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Electric (scrub)

he turns
into
a lightning rod
upon
my close proximity

pulling in
static
from the warm air
that clouds in
around us-

our fingertips
send licks of light
shooting
through us,
burning-

the smell;
all the hair
on his body
shrivels
into oblivion-

shocking!
and so
appropriate;
how electric
his conduct
©2008-2009 `jade-pandora
:iconjade-pandora:

Author's Comments

My submission in response to the latest topic for =Wordspill -- electricity.

The "spill" is below, and the finished "scrub" version is above as the polished piece. I hope you enjoy!

Electric (spill)

he turns into a lightning rod
when I come near
drawing in the heavens
that hide us in mist
sends lightning
flying through us,
the stench of hair burning
shocking --
how electric his conduct is

12/23/08: punctuation edits

Comments


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:iconbluewave:
mmmm

I love the word conduct and how you used it. :nod:

--
Life is an adventure in forgiveness.

:bulletblue:
:iconb1gfan:
:clap: the pace and structure is electric :)
:iconutanapishtim:
Oh, I love it! I have a few minor suggestions.
Second stanza: a period after "us"
Fourth stanza: semicolon after "smell", and period after oblivion.

--
"God is in His Heaven- All's right with the World."
:iconelmara:
awesome! awesome! awesome! been a while since a poem made me go wow at it's beginning and end. the imagery is just.. divine. kudos!

--
The Poetry.. That comes from the squaring off between.. And the circling is worth it.. Finding beauty in the dissonance.. -Tool

*VampireWriters *PoetryPlease *Writers-Workshop ~pakdeviants *ScribeSanctuary
:iconaqua-rat:
Electricity and love could be a cliche but you make it new, brilliant and exciting. A very enjoyable read.

--
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draught - please use side door.)
:iconjade-pandora:
And I love how you picked up on my use of the word -- thank you! :excited:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lately, I continue to struggle through health issues, to regain strength so I can catch up with replies to comments, to comment on deviations, to thank those who have fav'd my works, and to fave works of others who's efforts I admire by those I know & discover here on dA. Your patience, friendship, and understanding is so very appreciated. I pray this comment/reply finds you exceptionally well, and that your holidays are everything wonderful!

--
:iconjade-pandora:
I so enjoyed writing it as well -- thank you! :hug:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lately, I continue to struggle through health issues, to regain strength so I can catch up with replies to comments, to comment on deviations, to thank those who have fav'd my works, and to fave works of others who's efforts I admire by those I know & discover here on dA. Your patience, friendship, and understanding is so very appreciated. I pray this comment/reply finds you exceptionally well, and that your holidays are everything wonderful!

--
:iconjade-pandora:
:glomp: ohh thank you! and btw, I did take you up on the suggestions - almost verbatim - thanks again!

--
:iconjade-pandora:
You made my day then and you still do even now all these weeks later!

Thank you, love! :hug:

--

Details

November 25, 2008
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