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August 22, 2010
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Tell me the name is for a goddess,
capricious and deadly, who    
mocks the afflicted in their dreams.

I might endure more graciously
if only this were a dream. It is
she who tosses fireballs of light

pulsating, flashing bright
and going dim in the blackness
behind these herniated eyes,

to devour while I hear the sustained
pitch of a sonic scream through
the static frequency of night air--

the peel and cry of her harpies
smelling of singed hair and brains--
the fever and sound rips through veins

cauterizing shut the window for sleep,
leaving the frantic staccato
of a heart in flight, as I whisper
Goddess, why spare me the night.
:bulletpurple: 7/20/11: Featured here, too, wow! [link]

:bulletyellow: 7/19/11: Featured here [link]

:bulletred: 1/24/11: Featured here [link]

:bulletgreen: 12/4/10: Featured here [link]

:bulletblue: 11/29/10: Featured here [link]

:bulletorange: 9/18/10: Featured here [link]
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:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Student Writer
Intriguing imagery sets up a captivating character in this Goddess, from the very outset of the poem. Well done!
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
Gosh I really appreciate your thoughts of this poem, so much - thank you, and for faving it as well! :heart:
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:iconvicariousoul:
VicariouSoul Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Quite possibly one of my favorite works I've read from you thus far, and not because I can really relate (I don't suffer from Insomnia) but because of how wisely and so well you make enjambments. Your ideas cascade down the poem nicely as free-verse should. This is coming from someone who doesn't take a liking to free-verse quite possibly because a great many don't know how to do it right.

Very few on here do it well, and especially the poet Rumi found here [link] who is the master of masters of the free-verse. His work is still read today some 800 years later, still understandable today (translated in all languages).

:iconrhyme-and-reason:
Anyway, I decided to accept this in the Group and hope to see what you come up with next. I have also added this to my Favorites.



Siryan
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
Thank you so very much, Siryan, for giving generously of your time to write such insightful thoughts to me.

I appreciate more than you know your observations in spite of how you normally feel about this style/form of poetry. I never received much in the way of schooling when it came to writing poetry, so your words are as gold to me.

By the way, I am familiar with Rumi, thanks to a book I have entitled "The Essential Rumi" (translations by Coleman Barks), and I quite agree. Thank you for the link as well, in case others seeing your comment become curious and want to use it too.
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:iconvicariousoul:
VicariouSoul Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Professional Writer
You're very welcome. And yeah, that's the thing about Rumi's work. The quality of it differs depending on who is/who did the translating. I find the site I referred you to be the best translating I've seen thus far, although I haven't read works by Rumi translated by Coleman Barks. I'll have to check his translations out.

You have a good taste I see in Literature. Impressive. Keep on learning from the masters.



Siryan
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012
In honor of our mutual respect & appreciation of Rumi's work, I opened the book I have as I mentioned, picked a stanza from a poem I chose at random called, "Locked Out Of Life":

How long will you beg from others,
when there are things born of you
that emperors want?


Having shared that, I just now noticed your signature, and it saddens me deeply. Good night.
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:iconvicariousoul:
VicariouSoul Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Pardon the late reply. And sorry, yeah, I believe that some law/rules must apply for a poem to be a poem so as to not sound like full-fledged prose. By this I mean lines that are well over 10 words long each and look like a paragraph, not stanzas. That's the kind of free-verse I don't like because today's poets have taken the free in free-verse and blew it out of proportion. Old free-verse like Rumi's is an exception because while he followed no specific meter, rhyme, etc. it always has an elegance to it that defines it as poetry.

Nothing good can be said for most of today's free-verse.
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:iconsarahhartmanart:
SarahHartmanArt Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2011
Insomnia seems to be a theme lately...and She's come to visit me. Lovely write, Jade. :heart:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011
Thank you, Sarah. I'm glad you are inspired by the poem in spite of the goddess's visits. :heart:
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:iconsarahhartmanart:
SarahHartmanArt Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2011
You're very welcome, but thank you.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I remember this one! :) I am quite as satisfied upon a second (or is it third or fourth?) reading. Congratulations on your DLD, Jade. Most deserved. :+favlove:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2011
Gosh thanks so much, Lili, I remember how this poem first impacted you and I appreciate the fave from you, too. I haven't seen you in my neck of the woods for ages! And don't forget - you have this poem to read anytime, anywhere, in your copy of "Shooting Star". :blowkiss:
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I've actually loaned it to my sister for the time being. She's just learning how to really read poetry, and I told her to take a look at your work to learn about symphonic devices and rhythm. ;)
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011
:O gosh really? I hope whatever she learns from that book is helpful.
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:iconliliwrites:
LiliWrites Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh it will be. :)
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on your DLD Jade. :heart:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2011
Thanks so much, Ron - it was such a nice surprise. :heart:
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:iconretrozombie:
RetroZombie Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011
:iconlawooplz: You soooo deserve this, Sweetpea! :glomp: :love:
Congratulations!! :eager: :iconnuzzleplz:

:iconbeatingheartplz:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2011
Hey, save some emots for ME! :giggle:

Thanks so much, John, and for the ...re-fave, right? I get confused sometimes, you know - or distracted! ;p

:heart:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011   Writer
:+fav: I think you did a great job here with language, rhythym, simile and metaphor. I like this very much. Congratulations on the DLD. Thank you.
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011
:iconbowplz:
Thank you so much for such supportive thoughts from your reading of my poem.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2011   Writer
You're most welcome.
I like to hear you read your work on "flash" very much, too. :heart:
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:iconmahi-fish:
Mahi-Fish Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011
Congratulations Jadey! Yay! More exciting features for my favorite poet!
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011
:iconyahooplz: :giggle: :heart:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011
I sure didn't see that coming -- thank you so much! :iconcreepglompplz:
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:iconphoneix-faerie:
Phoneix-Faerie Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I especially like the last section
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2011
Thank you very much - it's a piece that reflects what I was experiencing even as I wrote about it. <3
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:iconphoneix-faerie:
Phoneix-Faerie Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I see
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010   Writer
Even though you mention a goddess, this actually gives me the image of someone whose BF/husband/partner is cheating. Don't ask me why, it just does.

Nicely written.
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010
There's usually no right or wrong way to interpret a poem, and this is a great twist you make it ...and thank you, Joey. ^.^
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010   Writer
Pleasure.

And I have been accused of interpreting poems incorrectly before...mostly in English exams and on here...so I suppose that's up to the maturity of the writer?
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:icontallcanxd:
TallCanXD Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
This is how my mother gets; she has insomnia to a severity.
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2010
Oh my - is she able to turn it into something constructive, like the way I write poetry when it hits me?
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:icontallcanxd:
TallCanXD Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
Some times she can.
more than often she is just a bit off her rocker.
XD
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2010
the poor dear, I'm sorry
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:icontallcanxd:
TallCanXD Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2010  Hobbyist Artist
No need to be...
XD
Everything will be fine!
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, Jade. I thought the poem was generally pleasant to read, but there were a number of things that bothered me.

1st stanza, third line: The singular instead of plural use of "dream" sounds entirely odd. Do these people only have one dream ever? That's what it sounds like reading this. Consider making it plural to sound more correct. Also, I hate the comma after "dream" because it's too comma-splicey for the good of the poem. Consider changing it to a semi-colon, a period, or even a dash.

2nd stanza, second line - 4th stanza, third line: You pose a question starting in the second stanza... but where's the question mark? Again, this makes the poem look odd! I'd change the semi-colon at the end of the 4th stanza into a question mark to amend this.

3rd stanza, 1st line: I don't think the instance of the word "that" works well with "pulsate." I wonder if "pulsating" would work better?

3rd stanza, 1st line - 2nd line: Ugh, I don't like "bright" instead of "brightly". It's just too forced, axing the adverb-form just to rhyme with "light" in the previous line. What's wrong with a semi-rhyme? I think "brightly" sounds much better--more natural with the cadence of the poem, especially if you omit "and" in the next line--which serves as just padding--and including the appropriate comma instead.

4th stanza, 1st line - 2nd line: It's tricky including the actual senses without being too obvious. However, I think "I hear" is grossly unneeded. It's too much over-clarification. Isn't the use of "pitch" and "scream" enough? These already imply the auditory sense, so I think the use of "I hear" is just superfluous.

5th stanza, 3rd line: I think "rips" would work better as "ripping." I mean, look at the verbs close by: smelling, cauterizing, leaving. I think "rips" would sound more correct matching the present participle-style of the other verbs. The repeated -ing sound works well, too, I think--especially for the ending of the poem.

6th stanza, 2nd line: "Only" feels like it is unneeded, interrupting the flow of that particular line. Watch how the meter of the line matches the use of "frantic staccato" once you remove "only": leaving the frantic staccato. The rhythm sounds much better and cooler when you consider that "frantic staccato" is in that line. Moreover, I think "of a" should be pushed down into the next line, leaving those four words to do their magic in one line.

6th stanza, 3rd line: "Feebly" is not doing it for me at all. I think that there's enough in the poem that "whisper" already implies "feebly." Also, there needs to be some sort of appropriate punctuation mark to introduce the last line. I mean, you've had some oddly used commas and semi-colons floating around the poem, so it was strange that you didn't include anything here to separate the final line. Consider a colon.

Last line: Question mark, maybe? I don't know on this one. It's more declarative than an actual question. Just felt odd reading that last line without the question mark, so just consider!


Anyway--I don't want you thinking that I'm just ripping on this poem just because, especially since all the comments on this poem have nothing but something positive to say. I enjoyed the sounds of the poem, some of the word choices ("capricious and deadly," "tosses fireballs of light"), the general feeling. However, the poem didn't feel polished enough, so I urge you to comb through this again and making it shine brighter than those deadly fireballs!
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2010
Thank you, Will, I took into consideration every one of your suggestions and thought them over carefully. You will find that I edited the poem by what I felt would help enhance the “voice” of it, while others I respectfully declined on – though you will notice that I met you probably more than half way though I don’t have a ruler just now to judge it exactly:

1st stanza, third line: When I wrote this poem initially, I meant to say “dreams” but somehow talked myself into “dream” which I’ve now changed back to plural. Also, I agree about the comma and put a period which I find I prefer.

2nd stanza, 2nd line – 4th stanza, 3rd line: Even when I pose very obvious questions in my poetry, I seldom use question marks. I find them distracting actually. A poem can be written without any punctuation at all and the question still stands out. However, you bringing this up as an issue helped me decide and a better solution all around: changing “Is it” to “It is” – it’s not a question anymore, and prefer it this way.

3rd stanza, 1st line: After thinking of the possibilities on this suggestion, I like the change of feeling and sound from “of light that pulsates” to “of light pulsating”.

3rd stanza, 1st line – 2nd line: As is my tendency when it comes to using a single word for impact, this is the case in the way I use “bright”. It is not meant to rhyme with “light”. Quite often my poetry has moments of rhyme through sheer coincidence – not always, but often. And I use semi-rhymes frequently, almost automatically because I enjoy the flow they create in their subtle use – hardly I or the reader know they’re there – and I like it that way. I want “bright” for its brief burst which stays true to the vision this poem holds for me. To say “brightly” implies a steady brightness, and I’m not interested in an ideal flow at that moment. To say “flashing bright and going dim” is meant as bursts of sudden and very bright light, followed immediately by that light going dim, and have the cycle rapidly repeat.

4th stanza, 1st line – 2nd line: Yes, “pitch” and “scream” indeed does imply the auditory sense, but “I hear” is to clarify that it is I alone who hears this, and is neither grossly unneeded or superfluous for the intent meant for the reader.

5th stanza, 3rd line: As much as I appreciate the repeated –ing sound, I also want the sudden shortness of “rip” for just that – it’s abrupt sound. Sometimes I want the occasional impact of the unexpected in the flow of a poem in general. Instead, I ended the 2nd line with dashes to indicate that this is a deliberate separation of flow.

6th stanza, 2nd line: After multiple readings to consider any of your suggested edits for stanza 6, I feel all right removing “only” and moving “of a” down once I revised the line breaks.

6th stanza, 3rd line: I agree that “whisper” does well enough on its own, but respectfully, I prefer not to have a colon and feel it doesn’t need any additional punctuation as the poem winds down to the final line.

Last line: You are correct that this is more a declaration, hence no question mark.
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Cool, Jade. A good poet edits the weaker points and is able to defend, clarify, justify other points they liked better originally written when brought into question. I think the poem is loads better now and, after pointing out the reason for having "bright" and "rips," I think it works, especially considering some of the other edits.

Thanks for taking my feedback seriously (ugh, you won't believe how many hours I've spent on other people's writing only to have them do absolutely nothing with anything I've said) and sticking to your guns at certain points without just editing away just because I said so, haha! :cookie:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2010
Absolutely, your efforts gave me the chance to rethink and rework all for the good of the piece - and it's greatly appreciated, Will. I also understand your frustration when spending hours trying to help other poets only to be met with indifference. These are writers who, most likely, are fated not to grow and evolve in their wordcraft.

If anything, I feel fortunate that a respected fellow lit artist feels my poem worthy of the time to gift me with their learned thoughts. I will always welcome your opinion(s), and of course - feel free to drop by my site for cookies! <3
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
DID YOU JUST SAY COOKIES?!!?! :excited:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2010
Mmm-hmm. Toll-House pan cookies - ever tried those? :drool:
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:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2010
Jade! You have NO idea how completely this rocks my world! I've learned to slow down my pace while reading poetry so that I can appreciate the ways words sound together and double meanings that may not be obvious in a quick scan through. And this! This was just full of them! :D

'Devour' sharing a line with 'sustained' was especially pleasing. That whole stanza was just perfect, really. I know that 'sonic scream' myself. It gets very annoying. Anywho! I quite thoroughly enjoyed this. :+favlove:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010
ah our sweetest Lili - how your words layered upon the meanings of my writing can be both a soothing balm, and an extra stirring of one's emotions.

It excites me, how you have consciously altered your way of reading poetry for exactly the reasons you've discovered. I think that's why so many don't know what to make of some of my poetry. Quick skimmings deny the reader of richer layers just below the skin of imagery & feelings.

And you mention the sound of words in relating to each other - that's one of the most important factors to employ when writing poetry. It's something I was never aware of until T. Scott Fisher pointed out what I did instinctually, and brought it to my consciousness. Once I learned what sound in poetry was about and how it worked, the knowledge settled back down into me where it still remains - instinctual.

Recently, I read another interview you gave in where you mention your inability to sleep. Now that I've read your comments, I know why you're able to relate so well to this poem.

Yes - insomnia - a brilliant madness from which we both suffer. :heart:
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:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010
Ahhh, I miss Scott so much! If you're still in touch with him, do send my love and hugs.

It has always been a pleasure to read your writing, even when I was just reading for the obvious meaning. But now it's compiled ten times and makes the reading exciting. :)
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2010
Just for that...

...I should give you a copy of my book. :love:
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:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2010
Oooooooooo! :iconhurrplz:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010
:iconromanlaplz:
wooo note me where!
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:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010
Wait, REALLY?!?! :excited:
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