Middle of the Night
drone of summer bugs
millions of them
a chant, a mantra-
small wave tremors
shivering the warm air
in the middle
of the night,
it hangs heavy
from the eaves
above my windows
my head throbs
with visions of you-
I toss and turn
in my naked
half-awareness
dampness
circles my neck,
it runs down
the valley
between my breasts
sweat pearls
on the gentle slope
where my backbone ends
between foothills
and tan lines
night air hisses
from the flutter
of powdered wings-
eyes within eyes
survey multiple skies
the stillness that
suddenly befalls,
a displacement-
a hush of breath
upon the clamminess
distracting me
just long enough
to halt the rise
of my fever - to tilt
an odd angle into sleep
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Author's Comments
tanka play
 i kept the air-con off while writing this set  |
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Comments
In stanza one, you open the piece dramatically as the hum of insects becomes a "mantra." What I found most interesting about this stanza is that it causes the reader to rely on the sense of touch as the vibrations of wing beats ripple to the most sensitive areas of exposed skin. The use of touch rather than sight adds sensuality and hyper awareness here...very good
In the sixth stanza, we return again to the use of sight. however, it is not "our" sight, but the multi-lensed view of an insect. When I first read the line "eyes within eyes/survey multiple skies" I thought of the "zoom image" used greatly in haiku. this was an excellent stanza in that it combines the fluidity of tanka with some very intricate mechanics
I have to say Jade, you have grasped tanka style poetry very well. This piece is fluid in its emotion and sensuality. The stanzas flow seamlessly and there is no sense of disconnectedness. Conversely, there are many pieces here that stand well as their own tanka. Stanza 1 is my absolute favorite! I was captured the moment I began to read. Each stanza contains brevity, without sacrificing content. In my opinion, this is another tenet of good tanka. Well done!
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however far away i will always love you however
long i stay i will always love you whatever
words i say i will always love you i will always
love you
By The Cure
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玉
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玉
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THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draught - please use side door.)
YG!... you've got the essence, layers, and depth to this set perfectly, but my gosh...
your critique takes me all over the place with the delight of your discoveries!
i... i can't say anything more except... thank you!
--
玉
--
玉
--
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draught - please use side door.)
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