Sta.sh
Soon it was clear that the moon
was a horse's skull,
and the air, a dark apple.
The gearshift shudder of
a heavy-laden truck fades,
all the while, the
sustained drone of bees;
past their prime and sluggish,
their wings cannot be stilled.
A dull glint behind the eyes
of a yoked pair of oxen,
standing at a crossroad
between myself and the fields
that bake in the August
of a Spanish sun,
waiting for the
hammer and anvil to sing,
for the echoing refrain
of rifle shots beyond
a stand of distant trees
shimmering from spent cartridges
in the waning afternoon
of your exquisitely curved spine.
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8/7/10: Featured here! 
4/30/10: The honor of having received a Daily Deviation for this poem goes to all who have and soon will have discovered the darkly beautiful story and poetry of Lorca. When I felt the passion of his life and death, I became a messenger, and was graced as the writer of this poem. My gratitude goes to ~
I’m so honored and flattered that you asked me to turn my comment into a full fledged critique. I’ve decided to use that comment as a launching point for this critique without copying it directly. This will let me be more organized than my initial free association ramble, and hopefully you will find it more detailed and useful in the end. One reason that I didn’t offer it up as a critique to begin with is that there is very little I could see to suggest to improve the technique or delivery of the poem which is what I tend to do when I offer critique. In this case my critique will be to highlight the things that you’ve done effectively, and a few of the things you’ve done that might be more subtle than the casual reader would pick up. For me this is an atypical critique because it will not include a set of revision suggestions at all. Instead I hope to demonstrate why the poem is effective in various ways in an effort to help you and others who might be interested to read this to emulate the effective techniques to duplicate its success.
The launching point of this piece is a common prompt I’ve seen for poetry: choose a line or stanza from a poem you love and write a poem based on, or including that stanza. I have no idea if such a prompt was used for this poem, but the feedback is the same regardless. It is a tricky prompt for a variety of reasons. The average poet is no match for the stanza or line that they choose. In many cases the line or stanza chosen for the prompt is remarkably stronger than the poem built around it. The end result is like having a gorgeous pendant dangling on a cheap gold plated chain.
Another pitfall is that the average poet who responds to these prompts either won’t be as well read as you are, or won’t have as many poems that have stayed in their memory. So the second risk with this prompt is that the line or stanza will be so well known in its original context that seeing it in any other way is distracting. Imagine seeing “Quoth the raven, ‘Nevermore’” in any other poem. It just doesn’t work.
The third and final potential stumbling block for doing what you’ve done is that often the lines or stanza chosen simply don’t mesh well with the author’s voice or style. If you choose a stanza rich with imagery, but your poem is riddled with metaphors or similes for instance. Or if you choose a rhyming quatrain, but then don’t use the same form throughout.
I don’t feel that any of these apply to your poem. I’m not familiar enough with Lorca’s work to make an assessment of it in its entirety. I know you well, so I know that it will be as good as you say when I get the chance to read it more closely. I’m basing this portion on that assumption: I know that I can rely on your assessment. With that said, your poem is not noticeably weaker than the stanza you used as a basis. The poem and stanza you’ve chosen to use as your base aren’t so well known that their inclusion is distracting, but it is a wonderful poem (and especially that stanza) regardless. Finally, the stanza matches the poem well in virtually all ways. The language in both is smooth and understated. The imagery is profound.
In conclusion, you’ve done gracefully (and I would say effortlessly if I didn’t know how hard you work) what many poets attempt but rarely accomplish. This poem can stand as an example on how to use another poet’s lines or stanzas as a launching point without falling into the common traps.
My favorite part of the poem is how understated the language is. Each image that follows is as gently rolling and ponderous as Lorca’s original. The images follow at the pace of about one per stanza, with nothing rushed nor overplayed. When the stanza fades, so too does the image. I imagined a series of photographs being set down on the table while you tell the story behind each. When it is time for the next, it simply gets laid on top of the previous one. The previous one is still there, in my mind, but each stands on its own completely.
My favorite image is the one presented in the third stanza. The bees to me stand out particularly clearly because the image goes contrary to the way most of us have encountered bees – energetic and ambitious insects.
To me the two pivotal points are the two couplets. They both contain strong mechanical images and bracket the more organic imagery in between them. The final stanza does an excellent job of pulling everything together by including both the mechanical, and organic. Not to mention bringing the poem full circle – skull to spine.
I would urge anyone attempting to write using another poet’s lines to read this piece before writing their own – not so that they do it in the same way you have, but so that they can see how to use this technique in a way that detracts neither from the source nor the created poem. I stand by my original assertation that this is a lovely piece. I hope that I’ve managed to give you some insight as to why I feel it is so well executed. Thank you for introducing me in such a lovely way to Lorca. I hope to have a chance to discover his works, as you have, in time.
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